I have reached a stage in my life where everyone around me is:
1. married.
2. getting married.
3. planning to get married.
I go to my workplace and most of my colleagues are married (some even have kids). It gets very difficult to relate to them when they talk about domesticity and household stuff. Some of my best friends are married and the topic of our conversation is always about my marriage. Even though they are my best friends, they sometimes get on my nerves when they start pestering me. I mean I am happy for them because they are happy this way, but other than that nothing makes me happy about the whole situation. The question, "When are you getting married?" is the bane of my life. The more I run away from it, the more it chases me!!!!
It still amazes me how rude some people can be. When are you getting married is not, by any means, an innocuous or polite question. And yet it’s completely socially acceptable. Even if we excuse the blatant invasion of privacy there are issues with the semantics. Firstly there is the “when” of it which implies there is no choice not to - it’s pretty clear that this is not a question of “if” after all. Secondly there is the fact that the questioner even has to ask the question, which implies that you’re taking too long (the poor, frustrated souls, I really feel for them). This questions belongs, along with its sister when are you having kids, to a society where people had no choices in the matter - matrimony and childbirth were inevitable - and frankly, they had nothing better to talk about. I for one think we have moved past that and our social manners should evolve as such. Unfortunately it appears that I’m in the minority on this one.
Recently I visited my friends and few of my relatives on a vacation and this question was bombarded on me like a cluster bomb. Earlier only my friends use to quiz me over this now they are joined by their wives too. Recently I met on of my friend who repeated me this question. Science he himself was not married i was amused and just gave a smile. He again repeated the same question with more seriousness and a look of concern and I laughed this time. "Why are you laughing, this is not a joke" he asked. "Exactly" was my reply.He ended up giving me a lecture for nearly 3 hours on how to search a suitable partner through match making sites and classified matrimonial on newspaper, the pros and cons of each medium and which medium would be best suited for me. He even took his laptop and started asking me for my personal details to upload on a matrimonial website. When I tried to avoid him he even put a question mark on my libido. I said i was absolutely normal and fine he challenged me to prove it by getting married. I started believing that being single was a sin and I was the biggest sinner of all time by not making any attempt to get married.
Even the worse was when i visit my native village. Being a village, the average marriage is much below the legal marriage age in India. A village where a boy ten years younger to me has a kid or two. And i become the talk of the town, sorry village.The village elders even cured my parents for not getting me married.Wherever I went to my village I could here mummers as I passed.. Looks like some strangers..Who's is he..he is son of Mr so and so..is he married?? I have a Hutch connection and their network could not follow me to my village(as they claim it to be) but this question did follow me where ever i went. A bunch of my so called uncles and brothers in my village surrounded me over a bonfire at night and fired the same question to me. They encouraged me to get married in a way they would have encouraged a widow to commit Sati. Seeing no response from me over the marriage issue(I thought this issue to be a too personal to discussed with anyone and everyone and being non responsive my shut them up) they even asked if I had any female in my life who was fulfilling my physical needs. They even accused me of getting a paid service which according to their imagination was easily available in big cities and one of them even advised me to be aware of AIDS. Now I really felt the need of a fully loaded AK 47 to reduce the population of my village by a dozen.
The frequency with which this question has been put on me makes me feel as if I am the last living being on earth who is not married and everyone is eagerly waiting for me to get married. And the more I am questioned about this, the more I want to scream at the top of my lungs that have not scheduled my marriage, my future as yet. And I am genuinely not losing my sleep over it.
One day I asked my sister (who of course is married) that why is everybody around me so bothered about my marriage, she just smiled and told me that people in our part of the world start thinking that something is wrong with a person, if he isn't engaged or married by late twenties. Something is off, definitely, that the matrimonial alliance has not taken place as yet.
That got me thinking!!!!!! Why do so many people share this point of view? Even my peers and friends. Don't we all belong to the same generation? Shouldn't we give priority to our career and financial independence? In the age where so many marriages are ending up in divorces, shouldn't we take our time and make sure we aren't rushing into anything. If making a rational decision and taking time to choose my life partner delays my marriage for some time more, so be it. I'm glad its happening this way.
I realize I live in a society where marriage is seen with as much necessity as a good education and decent job, but not everyone around here or people I know marry young. Are they also subjected to this same question?????
And its not that everyone who got married ended up happily ever after. I have seen some bitter
breakups and ugly divorce battles which follow. But at the same time, I have seen some beautiful marriages and couples living out their dreams. That what gives me encouragement (because that is what I want) and the guts to face this question from the world.
So while I'm still taking time, , I suppose I'm going to just fend off this questions with a smile and a laugh, reassuring family and relatives, peers and friends, colleagues and acquaintances that no, there is nothing wrong with me, my horoscope or my kismet. I am just moving forward at my own pace in that general direction, and I am OK with that. And that's what really matters. And the day that I do decide to get married, the world and its sister will know it. So let it be, for the time being at least.
1. married.
2. getting married.
3. planning to get married.
I go to my workplace and most of my colleagues are married (some even have kids). It gets very difficult to relate to them when they talk about domesticity and household stuff. Some of my best friends are married and the topic of our conversation is always about my marriage. Even though they are my best friends, they sometimes get on my nerves when they start pestering me. I mean I am happy for them because they are happy this way, but other than that nothing makes me happy about the whole situation. The question, "When are you getting married?" is the bane of my life. The more I run away from it, the more it chases me!!!!
It still amazes me how rude some people can be. When are you getting married is not, by any means, an innocuous or polite question. And yet it’s completely socially acceptable. Even if we excuse the blatant invasion of privacy there are issues with the semantics. Firstly there is the “when” of it which implies there is no choice not to - it’s pretty clear that this is not a question of “if” after all. Secondly there is the fact that the questioner even has to ask the question, which implies that you’re taking too long (the poor, frustrated souls, I really feel for them). This questions belongs, along with its sister when are you having kids, to a society where people had no choices in the matter - matrimony and childbirth were inevitable - and frankly, they had nothing better to talk about. I for one think we have moved past that and our social manners should evolve as such. Unfortunately it appears that I’m in the minority on this one.
Recently I visited my friends and few of my relatives on a vacation and this question was bombarded on me like a cluster bomb. Earlier only my friends use to quiz me over this now they are joined by their wives too. Recently I met on of my friend who repeated me this question. Science he himself was not married i was amused and just gave a smile. He again repeated the same question with more seriousness and a look of concern and I laughed this time. "Why are you laughing, this is not a joke" he asked. "Exactly" was my reply.He ended up giving me a lecture for nearly 3 hours on how to search a suitable partner through match making sites and classified matrimonial on newspaper, the pros and cons of each medium and which medium would be best suited for me. He even took his laptop and started asking me for my personal details to upload on a matrimonial website. When I tried to avoid him he even put a question mark on my libido. I said i was absolutely normal and fine he challenged me to prove it by getting married. I started believing that being single was a sin and I was the biggest sinner of all time by not making any attempt to get married.
Even the worse was when i visit my native village. Being a village, the average marriage is much below the legal marriage age in India. A village where a boy ten years younger to me has a kid or two. And i become the talk of the town, sorry village.The village elders even cured my parents for not getting me married.Wherever I went to my village I could here mummers as I passed.. Looks like some strangers..Who's is he..he is son of Mr so and so..is he married?? I have a Hutch connection and their network could not follow me to my village(as they claim it to be) but this question did follow me where ever i went. A bunch of my so called uncles and brothers in my village surrounded me over a bonfire at night and fired the same question to me. They encouraged me to get married in a way they would have encouraged a widow to commit Sati. Seeing no response from me over the marriage issue(I thought this issue to be a too personal to discussed with anyone and everyone and being non responsive my shut them up) they even asked if I had any female in my life who was fulfilling my physical needs. They even accused me of getting a paid service which according to their imagination was easily available in big cities and one of them even advised me to be aware of AIDS. Now I really felt the need of a fully loaded AK 47 to reduce the population of my village by a dozen.
The frequency with which this question has been put on me makes me feel as if I am the last living being on earth who is not married and everyone is eagerly waiting for me to get married. And the more I am questioned about this, the more I want to scream at the top of my lungs that have not scheduled my marriage, my future as yet. And I am genuinely not losing my sleep over it.
One day I asked my sister (who of course is married) that why is everybody around me so bothered about my marriage, she just smiled and told me that people in our part of the world start thinking that something is wrong with a person, if he isn't engaged or married by late twenties. Something is off, definitely, that the matrimonial alliance has not taken place as yet.
That got me thinking!!!!!! Why do so many people share this point of view? Even my peers and friends. Don't we all belong to the same generation? Shouldn't we give priority to our career and financial independence? In the age where so many marriages are ending up in divorces, shouldn't we take our time and make sure we aren't rushing into anything. If making a rational decision and taking time to choose my life partner delays my marriage for some time more, so be it. I'm glad its happening this way.
I realize I live in a society where marriage is seen with as much necessity as a good education and decent job, but not everyone around here or people I know marry young. Are they also subjected to this same question?????
And its not that everyone who got married ended up happily ever after. I have seen some bitter
breakups and ugly divorce battles which follow. But at the same time, I have seen some beautiful marriages and couples living out their dreams. That what gives me encouragement (because that is what I want) and the guts to face this question from the world.So while I'm still taking time, , I suppose I'm going to just fend off this questions with a smile and a laugh, reassuring family and relatives, peers and friends, colleagues and acquaintances that no, there is nothing wrong with me, my horoscope or my kismet. I am just moving forward at my own pace in that general direction, and I am OK with that. And that's what really matters. And the day that I do decide to get married, the world and its sister will know it. So let it be, for the time being at least.
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