Let it go.......(The mental assertiveness)

I have always thought of self-help books, various philosophies of life, therapists and the like as full of crap and I was rather contemptuous towards regular people with regular problems who seek advice and solace from these. I absolutely hated The Alchemist, for instance and consider it one of the most overrated books of all time.

But lately, as I inch towards 30 and the resulting troubles that come with it, I have realized that some of these philosophies that I generally dismiss as soppy fluff, could actually help ‘regular people’ like me with ‘regular problems’ like mine. For a while now, I have contemplated the method of detachment as a way to relative happiness. I don’t mean detachment from material wealth, considering I don’t possess much of it, or much need of it. Emotional detachment is what I’m talking about.

I have always been dependent on my parents and some friends. I’m enormously attached to them, more so than what I have seen in my friends. My parents’ happiness, unhappiness, highs and lows deeply affect me, and their approval or appreciation, is always subconsciously integral to almost every life-decision I make. But I suppose my parents will always be inextricably linked to me and detaching from them is not a possibility or a choice I’d like to consider.

Lately, due to a pretty life-altering event (for now) that perhaps almost every other person something goes through, I have experienced a lot of pain, sadness and self-pity. Of course, this pain is purely relative to my life and not the pain that comes from someone close’s death or disease, but it has been real and horrible enough. The irksome part of it is that the pain is of my own making even though the cause for it is someone else. Its not like someone has deliberately afflicted me with pain, but I have let myself be open to it and dealt with it in the worst possible way. Each of my core emotions, whether joy misery, self-loathing, doubt and self-esteem have been determined and affected by another, purely because of excessive attachment.

I wasn’t too sure about detachment as a life choice, so of course I googled it. I found this site, whose catch phrase was ‘dare to change your life.’ Here, I found a detailed guide on developing detachment as a way of life. However much I hate to admit it, I found many of the reasons and solutions to my pain on this self-help website. I found that being detached doesn’t mean being self-absorbed or cold and solitary. Here are some excerpts from the article and if you feel like you can relate to any of this please go ahead and log on here

What is detachment?

• Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.

• Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.

• Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.

• Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

Wiki : Detachment Also expressed as non-attachment, is a state in which a person overcomes his or her attachment to desire for things, people or concepts of the world and thus attains a heightened perspective.

Emotional detachment is a positive and deliberate mental attitude which avoids engaging the emotions of others. It is often applied to relatives and associates of people who are in some way emotionally overly demanding. It is not to be confused with being wilfully cold or unpleasant, because it is a positive mental attitude. Of course, the decision as to whether emotional detachment in any given set of circumstances is considered to be a positive or negative mental attitude is a subjective one, and therefore a decision on which different people may not agree.

This detachment does not mean avoiding the feeling of empathy; it is actually more of an awareness of empathetic feelings that allows the person space needed to rationally choose whether or not to be overwhelmed or manipulated by such feelings. 

Some of the negative effects of not detaching:

•  Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.

• Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place or thing.

What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?

• You can’t control yourself because everyday you promise yourself “today is the day” you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs. (This is only toooo true)

• Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can’t be that way when you love and care for a person. It’s either 100 percent all the way or no way at all.

• Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.

If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems and troubles.

Then it goes on to give you precise steps on how to detach. While all this sounds all very sterile, scientific and therefore dispassionate, I found it really, really helpful, despite the fact that I felt quite pathetic that a self-help article was written as if the author was witness to my life and could read my mind and dig out my deepest emotions. So many of my innermost insecurities were described as accurate textbook notes. And although I felt like a twenty something cliché, I openly admit that I’m going to read this article every now and then, whenever I find the need to let go.