So, I dont want to write…

When thoughts overflow…
I wish to put them in words…
But I fall short of words…
So, I don’t want to write.

When feelings are mingled…
I wish to give then a place in my diary…
But can’t comprehend those emotions…
So, I don’t want to write.


When dreams shatter…
I wish to pen them to find solace…
That would not make my dreams come true…
So, I don’t want to write.


When Kith and kin depart…
I wish to write in their memory…
Writing would not bring back the happy times…
So, I don’t want to write.


When solitude disconcerts me…
I wish to beat my loneliness by words…
Verses I create are even more depressing…
So, I don’t want to write.


When life brings happiness
I wish to share it with all, even I write
But can’t find ultimate satisfaction
So, I don’t want to write.


When pleasures of life unfold…
I feel the ecstasy, and the desire to write…
Soon sorrows of others hover around my mind…
So, I don’t want to write.


When I am close to the serene nature…
I wish to write in its praise…
Then I am reminded of nature’s catastrophe…
So, I don’t want to write.


When I think of my life and deeds…
I wish to give them the face of poetry…
My poem remains incomplete…
So, I don’t want to write.


When my expression remains indefinable…
I try to give definition with the ink…
But certain things in life are ineffable…
So, I don’t want to write.


When there is anguish in the heart…
I wish to bind it in an ode…
But then, the despair would always remain…
So, I don’t want to write.


When eyes are full of tears…
I drop them on paper to leave a mark…
But that only crumbles the sheet…
So, I dont want to write.
So, I dont want to write…

Resolving to Resolve in 2010

2009 started on a bad note and the whole year reflected it. Had some good moments and some really bad ones. 2010 starts on a good note. lets see whats in stored for me.

Here is my Do's and Don'ts for 2010

Travel to new locations. 

Eat less.

Meet my parents more often.

Domesticate myself…a little.

Learn to be formal (believe in formalities)

Be less investigative. Take things people say at face value…at least sometimes.

Don’t wallow.

Read. Read. Read.

Make at least two people genuinely smile every day.

Do things that make me genuinely smile at least thrice a day.

Detach.

Find my new happy place. (Beaches are too crowded and Ladakh is too far. Don’t count the couch before the TV)

Spend less time net.

Get a new comfort zone. (make this my utmost priority as my job sucks now.)

Start incorporating that alien concept people call ‘time management’.

Snap less. (Even during that time.)

Decide on my trust threshold: A) Trust no one. B) Trust everyone. C) Trust selective people. D) Trust myself only. E) Don’t trust anyone including myself.

Get fit. It’s my last chance to be hot for Goa in December.

Write better. Think better.

Don’t be jaded. I’m only 30

Be wiser. I’m already 30.

Don’t depend on my roomi. Especially for dinner.

De-clutter – Mind. Body. Soul.

Be nice. Less vice.

Don’t nag, shriek, or whine.

Look up difficult words in the dictionary.

Stop swearing so much you b****!

Change my Ipod playlist.

Make sincere efforts to keep in touch.

Reduce my carbon footprint.

Get a new wardrobe.

Write little notes to friends and family. Just.

Be less fatalistic and more optimistic.

Be more decisive.

Be more incisive.

Try and figure out ‘finance stuff’.

Be inspired.

Inspire.

Sleep before 1 am. Get up before 9 am.

Critique, don’t criticize.

Bitch and gossip in moderation.

Be proactive, not passive aggressive.

Concern myself with dental hygiene

Be fierce (in a cool way).

Do. DO. DOOOOO.

PS: My plan B is to be happy.

Let it go.......(The mental assertiveness)

I have always thought of self-help books, various philosophies of life, therapists and the like as full of crap and I was rather contemptuous towards regular people with regular problems who seek advice and solace from these. I absolutely hated The Alchemist, for instance and consider it one of the most overrated books of all time.

But lately, as I inch towards 30 and the resulting troubles that come with it, I have realized that some of these philosophies that I generally dismiss as soppy fluff, could actually help ‘regular people’ like me with ‘regular problems’ like mine. For a while now, I have contemplated the method of detachment as a way to relative happiness. I don’t mean detachment from material wealth, considering I don’t possess much of it, or much need of it. Emotional detachment is what I’m talking about.

I have always been dependent on my parents and some friends. I’m enormously attached to them, more so than what I have seen in my friends. My parents’ happiness, unhappiness, highs and lows deeply affect me, and their approval or appreciation, is always subconsciously integral to almost every life-decision I make. But I suppose my parents will always be inextricably linked to me and detaching from them is not a possibility or a choice I’d like to consider.

Lately, due to a pretty life-altering event (for now) that perhaps almost every other person something goes through, I have experienced a lot of pain, sadness and self-pity. Of course, this pain is purely relative to my life and not the pain that comes from someone close’s death or disease, but it has been real and horrible enough. The irksome part of it is that the pain is of my own making even though the cause for it is someone else. Its not like someone has deliberately afflicted me with pain, but I have let myself be open to it and dealt with it in the worst possible way. Each of my core emotions, whether joy misery, self-loathing, doubt and self-esteem have been determined and affected by another, purely because of excessive attachment.

I wasn’t too sure about detachment as a life choice, so of course I googled it. I found this site, whose catch phrase was ‘dare to change your life.’ Here, I found a detailed guide on developing detachment as a way of life. However much I hate to admit it, I found many of the reasons and solutions to my pain on this self-help website. I found that being detached doesn’t mean being self-absorbed or cold and solitary. Here are some excerpts from the article and if you feel like you can relate to any of this please go ahead and log on here

What is detachment?

• Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.

• Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.

• Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.

• Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

Wiki : Detachment Also expressed as non-attachment, is a state in which a person overcomes his or her attachment to desire for things, people or concepts of the world and thus attains a heightened perspective.

Emotional detachment is a positive and deliberate mental attitude which avoids engaging the emotions of others. It is often applied to relatives and associates of people who are in some way emotionally overly demanding. It is not to be confused with being wilfully cold or unpleasant, because it is a positive mental attitude. Of course, the decision as to whether emotional detachment in any given set of circumstances is considered to be a positive or negative mental attitude is a subjective one, and therefore a decision on which different people may not agree.

This detachment does not mean avoiding the feeling of empathy; it is actually more of an awareness of empathetic feelings that allows the person space needed to rationally choose whether or not to be overwhelmed or manipulated by such feelings. 

Some of the negative effects of not detaching:

•  Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.

• Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place or thing.

What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?

• You can’t control yourself because everyday you promise yourself “today is the day” you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs. (This is only toooo true)

• Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can’t be that way when you love and care for a person. It’s either 100 percent all the way or no way at all.

• Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.

If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems and troubles.

Then it goes on to give you precise steps on how to detach. While all this sounds all very sterile, scientific and therefore dispassionate, I found it really, really helpful, despite the fact that I felt quite pathetic that a self-help article was written as if the author was witness to my life and could read my mind and dig out my deepest emotions. So many of my innermost insecurities were described as accurate textbook notes. And although I felt like a twenty something cliché, I openly admit that I’m going to read this article every now and then, whenever I find the need to let go.

The Risk of love

There is a risk involved in everything
Every time you share a smile
Every time you shed a tear
You are opening yourself up to hurt.



Some people tread slowly through life,
Avoiding the closeness risk brings,
Sidestepping the things they can not understand
Turning away from those who care too much-
Those who care stay too long,
Those who hold too tightly.



There is never an easy way to love
You cannot approach it cautiously
It will not wait for you to arm yourself.



It does not care if you turn away
It is everywhere, it is everything.
Love is the greatest of all risks.



It is not reliable, it is not cautious,
It is not sympathetic
It is unprejudiced and unmerciful.
It strikes the strongest of mind,
And brings them to their knees in one blow.



Even in the best of times, love hurts.
It hurts to need, it hurts to belong,
It hurts to be the other part of someone else,
Without either of your consent.



But, from the moment it overtakes you,
It hurts worse to be all alone.
The risk of love never depletes;
It grows stronger and more dangerous with time.
But, it is in the total surrender of all defense,
That we, no matter weak or strong,
No matter willing or captive,
No matter what, we truly experience love.



Despite the many things love is not,
Outweighing it all are the things that love is.
Love is surrender without a loss.
It is a gift without the cost.
It consumes your every thought and desire,
Every breath you take.
It is the fire that fuels you
To do more than pass through life;



It urges you, instead, to live.
No matter the outcome, having felt love,
You will never be the same.
It may scar your heart and soul
And leave you only memories of forever.
Or, it may cause every day of your life
To feel like there is no need for tomorrow.
But, love is worth it. It is worth the risk...


For in all of life, Love is truly the only risk worth taking.

Love dies....

Once upon a time there was an island
where all the feelings lived together
there was a storm in the sea one day
and the island was about to get drowned
every feeling was scared but not love
love made a boat to escape
every feeling boarded in the
only one feeling was left
love got down

to see who was it

it was ego...

                                                         

                                                                          

 love tried and tried but ego wasn't moving...... .

also the water was rising

       

every one asked love to leave him and come into the boat, but love was made to love.
all feeling escaped and the storm took over island, at last  love dies with ego on the island...

Love dies because of ego.....

In your arms...

Her slow, velvet touches take me to a world of unknown pleasures. Her soft and husky voice whispers sweet music to my ears. Her gentle cuddles bring out the man in me in ways that can never be said enough. Her craving eyes spark a deep fire in my soul. Her gentle kisses on my neck awakens my sleeping. The feather touch of her fingers gives my body a shiver. Her head lays heavy on my shoulder and soothes my deepest senses. Her moist lips caress my inner soul. Her warm breath makes me wail in pleasure. Her strong hands with which she holds me when in her arms won't let me stray. Her sweet smell that meets with mine. Her tight embrace that's the closest to heaven. Her yearning look that's the face of desire. Her beautiful words that give a new meaning to my existence. Her love that validates my presence. Her soul that recognizes mine. Her needs that are found in my heart. Her heart where my needs are found. Her desire to be with me that recognizes mine. Her slender body against mine. Her soul intertwined with mine. Her moments with me that last for eternity. Her meaning that is my meaning. Her warmth that warms up my nights. Her silken caresses that quench my thirst. Her magical charm that completes me. These are my moments with my lady...

My life in 2020

Last night i went to bed after blogging and my imagination started flowing like a river slowly and steadily miles away into the future and it reached as far as 2020.

***"if i had read your dad's blogs before marriage then you wouldn't have been born" i hear my wife telling my son.

"Why ?"asks my son innocently.

"Coz,i wouldn’t have married him in the first place " says my irritated wife.

"What the hell you mean?" i ask raising my tone.

"Just keep quiet"she raises her voice more than mine. i keept my mouth shut.

"What the hell you mean dear?" i ask her politely this time.

"Just yesterday a girl commented on your blog saying she believes she was the inspiration for the description you've given about girls in your blog" she screams.

"Don't scream. whats her name?" i ask.

"Mini"she replies.

"Mini? ummmmm full name?"

"How shameless you are? And how many mini do you know" she screams at me again.

"Yes mom, my friend araya's father also says something similar about dad" intrevines my innocent son.

"You mean Aruna's son Araya?" i ask my son.

"Yes dad Aruna aunty comes daily to school to drop him".

"You know more about his mother than father, it seems ?" interrupts my wife.

"Nothing leave it" i say

"First tell me how do you know her?" quizzes my wife.

"She was my classmate and used to call me shaitan, sweetly".

"My dad has ruined my life by getting me married to you" laments my irritated wife almost in tears.

My maid who was till now sweeping the floor nearby and was silently listening to the entire conversation, decided to speak her bit and calm down the situation .

"No madam, saheb is a very nice person " she says shyly.

"Oh you were the only person remaining i guess, go ahead " says my darling wife.

"Madam whenever required saheb drops me to the bus stop on bike and even picks me up when required."

"R u kidding?" she asks astoundingly.

"No madam, he's a very helpful person. you can even ask your neighbor Monica, she will also agree".

"Radhabai what the hell are you telling my wife" i shout.

"How many times to tell you saheb, I am Gangubai".

"By the way who is Radha?"asks my wife coldly. I could see her transforming into a vampire and fully prepared to suck my blood.

As I saw the situation only growing graver and out of control. my imagination is interrupted by my girlfriends visit. I call my sleep my best girlfriend. Whenever i call her she comes to me, not scared to visit me at night and gives me complete freedom during day, has always been loyal to me, is not much demanding etc...etc Thanks sweetheart.... my sleep.....goodnight.